Month 2 - Pink Cloud

(Below are all the posts I wrote in my second month of sobriety. I've compiled them here into one page so that it's easy to see where I was at throughout this stage of my recovery. What you don't get to see by reading the posts this way is all the wonderful, supportive, warm and wise comments that came from the online community and that have been so crucial in my recovery. To share in that warmth and wisdom you need to read by going through my Blog Archive on the right.  If you are reading this here and you are at the same stage of recovery yourself, please comment at the bottom to share your thoughts and experiences with others. Love, Mrs D xxx)

7 October 2011 - "Flat and fat"


I feel flat (emotionally) and fat (physically) today.  I'm not fat technically speaking by the way, but I am heavier than I should be and could definitely lose some weight.

I think obsessing about weight is boring, but how you feel about yourself mentally often manifests itself in how you feel about yourself physically doesn't it?  If I'm feeling low I usually have an inner voice saying  'you're fat and ugly' but if I'm feeling great I think I look just fine!

It's the weekend and I did my usual Friday morning treaty shop.  Fresh flowers, some nibbles for Friday evening (feta dip, pita bread and some pistachio nuts), plus a bottle of expensive red wine and some beer for Mr D.

Am I tempted to drink that?  No I'm not.  Not in the slightest.  But I am feeling flat.  And fat.  So it must be having an impact somewhere.

On a brighter note, to remind myself how much better I feel not drinking I want to say how happy I am every night when I climb into bed sober.  I love getting in to bed at night without being full of wine.  I feel so happy at that point.  It's even better than waking up without a hangover and the guilts.

So that's a bright note to end on.

Love, Mrs D xxx

=======

8 October 2011 - "To Her"


I have a follower!  My first follower!  Her name is Her and she is somewhere in America, trying trying trying to become sober.  She is a mother, a wife, a daughter and a drinker.  I have posted comments to Her blog, wishing Her all the best, willing Her to stay strong, willing Her to victory over this nasty sly addiction.  I want that sly drinking fox out of her brain!

The Her my follower could be any one of thousands of fabulous women out there who are dysfunctional drinkers.  Actually make that millions around the world.  How crazy is it that this drug is so socially acceptable even though so many people struggle with it and it ruins their lives?  I am determined to be one of those really cool, strong people who in years to come will say casually, "yeah I gave up alcohol a while ago, it just wasn't agreeing with me any more.  I'm much happier without it in my life."

That will be me.  That will be Her.

Love, Mrs D xxx

======

9 October 2011 - "Casually sober"


Ok so now I'm thinking of some more of these casual statements that I'll trot out at social occasions in the years to come.  This is a technique! (I made it up).  Visualising myself sober.  Projecting forth into the future a vision of a smart, cool and together Mrs D.  Not the sloppy, lush-like ageing party girl that I had become.

So here goes.

At a wedding: "Oh no, just a juice for me thanks.  Why?  Oh I just don't bother with the booze any more, it was running away with me (tosses hair), but I'm no less fun am I (laughs gaily and spends the rest of the night cutting it up stylishly on the dance floor before driving all the drunk people home).

At a work function: "This? (points to glass) Oh it's just tonic water, I'm not bothering with the hard stuff any more.  Trust me, I'm way better without it (proceeds to spend the night talking wittily and intelligently with management, taking care of the new girl who overdoes it on chardonnay.  Drives home and reads two chapters of great novel before sleeping soundly all night).

On a group holiday: "No really, I am just having a red bull.  It's ok, really.  No it's not that hard (lies), I just don't want the alcohol in my life any more.  No I'm not judging any of you guys, honestly, you just go for it (retreats to bedroom to re-read letter written to self on first day of sobriety to remember, remember, remember why this must be done).

In these fantasies the casual tone is accompanied by a casual thought process.  I long for the day that it doesn't take such mental rigour to stay off the grog.  Yesterday I spent the entire afternoon thinking about alcohol.  All afternoon!  Bugger that.  I hope that as the weeks go by I will just be sober, without any thought.  Coz right now that sure ain't the case.

Love, Mrs D xxx

======

11 October 2011 - "Another technique"


I realise I'm using this visualising technique quite a bit trying to retrain my brain to see life without alcohol.  When I'm staring down a looming event I'm doing what I spoke about in the last post (although it has to be said I haven't had to experience even one of those scenarios yet).  I'm trying to be cool about it by thinking of myself as that sparkling sober version of myself.

And I'm kind of doing the same when staring down a looming Tuesday evening.  A random week night at home feeding the family, tidying up, dealing with small boys, getting the house to bed.  Normally I'd accompany that with at least a bottle of wine rapidly poured down my throat.  But no longer.  That's hard.  I used to love the wine.  'SHOW ME THE WINE!' My inner voice would yell.

So now, as four o'clock rolls round and the hand ticks by to 5pm when on the dot I'd start drinking, I try to work my brain to see through the evening and out the other side.

Does that make sense?  I make myself imagine climbing into bed at the end of the night.  Or waking up in the morning.  I try and look through the fog of 5 to 8.30-9pmish which would usually be spent drinking and imagine the climbing into bed bit.  Sober.  I visualise myself cleaning my teeth and getting snugly in my bed.  I'm looking through the evening and willing the time ahead to where the drink would be finished with anyway.

This helps me.  But it still takes quite a bit of work.  I am kind of obsessed.  I look forward to it becoming easy.

Love, Mrs D xxx

======

12 October 2011 - "Stocktake"


I have 5 hours left of my 30's.  I am about to move into the second half of my life.  That's how it feels to me anyway. So, a stock take...

I have arrived at 40 with;
A wonderful husband
Three awesome sons
A mortgage
A cat
A people mover with remote control doors
Life insurance
Health insurance
No stretch marks but...
A wobbly tummy and ...
Saggy boobs
A few grey hairs
Good teeth
A strong body
A healthy heart
Lots of lovely friends
A warm loving family
A successful career (to fall back on when I require)
A fascinating research topic for my MA
A moderate interest in politics
A growing interest in cooking
A huge interest in pop culture
and
A drinking problem


Love, Mrs D xxx

======
16 October 2011 - "Bloody f@%*ing brain"


So I've been sailing along, feeling really strong and good - invincible!  So together! So very functional!  So healthy and happy!  Oh clever sober me.

Had my 40th dinner out, a lovely long posh meal at a very expensive restaurant (will never do that again but it was a real treat) with Mr D.  Started with tasty fruit cocktail and then sipped sparkling soda water for the rest of the meal.  Mr D had 3 glasses of expensive wine, I even sniffed each one to get a sense of their beauty.  Oh get me ... drinking problem?  What drinking problem?!

That was Thursday night.  Friday afternoon at the mall little thoughts started creeping in. "Nothing to look forward to tonight *sigh*." "Boring, flat night ahead.."  and "Why can't I have a bloody glass of wine."

Pushed them aside, squashed them down, got through and went to bed at 8.30pm.

Then yesterday, Saturday, even stronger, jumbled together, a wave of thoughts, "I would love a glass of wine it's not fair why can't I drink one it's Saturday night I should be able to have a drink everyone else is having a drink and having fun am I really not going to have a drink again ever my whole life why am I doing this again I should be able to have a drink what harm would it do the whole world drinks alcohol was I ever really that bad I could probably moderate I'm sure I'll be able to moderate now it's only wine it's not heroin I was never that bad no drunk driving close relationships all functional didn't lose jobs or friends because of drinking is wine really that bad it's Saturday night for god's sake everyone has a drink on Saturday am I the only sad sack in the world why am I doing this again I wasn't that bad was I it's not fair oh my god

SHUT THE FUCK UP.  SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

Sorry about the language but Jesus fucking christ the inner dialogue is like a bloody drill in my brain.  Honestly PISS OFF.  What is it talking?  The wine?  The addictive part of my brain?  The naughty teenage me that never grew up?  Some sort of depressed person I've never known was there?

Why is my Saturday night boring without alcohol?

Why do I care so much about alcohol?

Anyway, I bloody beat the demons by just starting to talk about it out loud to Mr D (poor long suffering Mr D is probably bored of the whole thing by now.  No I'm sure he's not but it is dominating my life isn't it.)

Remembered out loud I didn't want 1 or 2 wines I wanted 8.  Remembering that I would sleep like crap and wake up really really regretful that I drank, with a hangover, feeling depressed.  Remembered that I'd get back on that daily treadmill of wine acquisition, drinking, recovering.  That awful wine fuelled nightmarish life.

And then I cleaned.  Between 5pm and 7pm I cleaned this goddamn house until it gleamed.  I vacuumed, polished, scrubbed, sorted and straightened.  Until I sat on the sofa at 7.30pm puffed out (yes, I was puffed from all this hard-out cleaning!) with a ginger beer and read recovery blogs from other people and ordered recovery books from the library catalogue online.  It was hard, but I won.

I won!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, Mrs D xxx

======

18 October 2011 - "Counting"


A very nice chappy has suggested that I put a sobriety counter on my blog as an extra help.  Is it a help?  I've never wanted to count because I just want to BE sober.  Like casually forever sober. But truth is I'm bloody early days.  Very early days.  In fact it was a shock when I just went and found a sobriety counter online (which for some reason I couldn't get to work on my blog) and I was only 1 month and 12 days.

ONE MONTH AND TWELVE BLOODY DAYS!!!!!!

I've been bandying around "2 1/2" months coz I'm kind of counting August as I went on the wagon for the month of August (as I would periodically do) and then had 5 days of heavy drinking before giving up for good on Sept 6th (when I started writing this blog).

So yeah.  Bloody early days.  A pathetic number of days.  Found that quite deflating.  I wish I was 2 years sober.

Then this morning I was counting units of a different kind.  Bottles of wine.  Went to the gym to get a new fitness programme and was chatting to the lovely (young) girl who was taking me through my new plan.  I was telling her that I wanted to lose some weight so was upping my cardio exercises, but that I knew that I had to cut down on my food intake too. She then asked if I drank and I said "no I've given it up" and after she picked her jaw up off the floor (being a non-drinker is not the done thing in this country) she asked me how many bottles of wine I used to drink in a week.

I thought for a second and said "4 or 5" at which she raised her eyebrows like "yeah that's a lot" and I swiftly moved the conversation back to food.

But how many bottles of wine would I drink in a week?  I think I'll work this out as an extra reminder for why I've stopped.  I'll try to work out an honest pattern for my wine drinking in a 'heavy' phase.

Sunday:  Probably hung over from Saturday.  Could possibly not drink at all.  But perhaps get one bottle and have half of it.  Weekly total = half a bottle.

Monday: No hangover so get 1 bottle and drink it. Weekly total = One and a half bottles.

Tuesday: Hungover.  Get a bottle and drink half.  Weekly total = Two bottles.

Wednesday: Non hangover day.  Supermarket day.  Buy 2 bottles, drink 1 and a quarter bottles.  Weekly total = 3 1/4 bottles.

Thursday: Very Hungover.  Get a bottle perhaps have 2 glasses.  Weekly total = 4 bottles (?? ish, it's getting hard to total).

Friday: It's Friday!!!!!!  Drink at least a bottle and a half of wine.  Weekly total = 5 1/2  bottles.

Saturday: Hungover.  But who cares?!! It's Saturday!  Drink at least another bottle and a half of wine.  Weekly total = 7 bottles.

Seven bottles of wine in one week.  Perhaps I will start counting my sobriety days after all.  Must find a gadget that works..

Love, Mrs D xxx

======

21 October 2011 - "Just quietly"


Went to a big glitzy function last night, oh so very posh, and had a couple of delicious lemon drinks and an orange juice.  No problems!  Usually at a function like that I'd be chasing the wines and my regrets the next morning would be "who saw that I was boozing?"  But today no worries!

Every morning I wake up feeling clear, and I am starting to relax and accept that this new clear-headiness is with me to stay, I am embracing the new sober me and I like her.

I'm feeling empowered by my decision to remove alcohol from my life and really happy and proud of myself that I am doing it.  I feel like this is my only life, this is it, and I'm living it how I want to.  That's a great feeling and long may it last.

I'm reading Jason Vale's 'Kick The Drink ... Easily!' and he's got some great words, I'm really enjoying it actually.  He's just breaking down life into a series of events and examines exactly what you are getting by adding alcohol into each one (answer: nothing) and how we are brainwashed and conditioned into accepting this drug as a normal part of life from day one.  Really examining what alcohol does to the brain and body, and how the addiction rules you, and how it's not necessary to drink alcohol in order to have fun or enjoy any special occasion.

He talks about being free.  And I like that.  Free!  It's a light word, denotes a lightness of mood and mentality.  I'm going for that.  A fun, free attitude to being sober.  Not brooding around being tense and glum, dreading events, feeling left out or hard done by.  Free!  Sober but still fun.

I'm not saying that everyone who is drinking alcohol is not free.  It's just that I certainly wasn't with my determined dysfunctional drinking habit.

Love, Mrs D xxx

======

23 October 2011 - "A HUGE PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


So all of New Zealand is gearing up for a massive party tonight.  Tonight the All Blacks - our super-cool team of hard rugby men - are taking on France in the World Cup Final.  Oh yeah! Rugby is our national sport, our national religion, it means everything and we must win this trophy tonight.  We must!!

This country is completely mad for rugby.  You should see my local supermarket where I just went to stock up (yeast for the pizza bases, chippies, milk).. the place was heaving!  And all the trollys were full of snacks and booze.  Booze.  Lots and lots of booze.  The collective litres of alcohol that is going to be poured down kiwi throats tonight will be absolutely massive.

But not my delicate sober throat (ha ha).  V drinks for me, followed perhaps by a lime and soda (with ice cubes).  Mmmm yummy.  Do I want to get pissed on wine tonight like I normally would?  No.  There are going to be 7 adults and 13 kids at our place and I need to keep it all in control.  Also I gave that up a while ago - remember?!

But is there a tiny part of me that feels a little bit 'flat' about the fact that there's not going to be any alcohol in the mix for me tonight?  I'll be honest, yes there is.  A tiny part of me is still getting used to the alcohol free life I have adopted.  But that's ok.  I'm still in the adjustment phase.  And so far I'm doing great.

GO THE ALL BLACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, Mrs D xxx

======

26 October 2011 - "Telling on my addict"


Just read Augusten Burroughs brilliant memoir "Dry".  Speed-read it in fact.  In 24 hours.  Bloody brilliant, really recommended it.  A great story well told.  Ripping through the story of his terrible boozing, being sent into rehab by his employer, going through rehab, home and into recovery, a shocking relapse finishing with recovery mark 2 (which, from looking at his website, has lasted to this day).  Such a great story and heaps of insights into rehab and AA and stuff that I'm not doing giving I'm reshaping my new sober life on my own.

When in rehab he outs himself to the group of fellow addicts as having an apartment full of empty bottles.  Really really full.  Hundreds of empty whiskey bottles.  His counsellor applauds him for saying this and says "What you are doing is 'telling on your addict.' You need to visualise your own internal addict.  Think of it as a separate 'being' that lives inside of you. And it wants nothing more than for you to drink.  When  you don't drink, it says, 'Oh come on, just one.' Your addict wants you all to itself.  So when you talk about the bottles, or any other consequence of drinking, you are in effect, 'telling on your addict.'"

I like this.  I feel like I've been telling on my addict in this blog which is why I started writing this blog.  I've written about how my addict drove me to pick up wine bottles even when I was trying to have an alcohol free day, how my addict would do deals with itself over hangovers ("I can drink lots tonight and have a hangover tomorrow because I'm not going to the gym, then that hangover will stop me drinking too much tomorrow night which is good because I want to go to the gym the next day after that"), how my addict would appear behind my eyes like a paranoid junkie whenever the wine started to be drunk checking out how much was left, (how much are they having?, how much is left for me, how much is in the house how much can I get I'M YOUR ADDICT AND I NEED LOTS OF WINE!!!!!!!!!!).  I'm telling tales on my stupid fucking addict to get her out of my head for good (hopefully).

Later in the book when he's back in his normal life in recovery he talks about riding a 'Pink Cloud' and it kind of sounded like what I've been espousing lately in my posts so I just googled it and someone somewhere online said "the pink cloud is that wonderful time in early recovery when it all starts clicking and the using days seem far behind and life is just great great great......it's a good thing, but also kinda dangerous, cuz we start to consider ourselves ten foot tall and bullet proof.........and start to think we got this clean and sober thing nailed........and get a little too big for our britches...."..

And yeah, if you re-read my last two posts I've definitely been a bit super-strong holier than thou oh wonderful sober me, so I think I must have been riding the pink cloud lately which makes me worry that it 's not always going to be this easy.

Later in the book he warns of a 9-month point in recovery when lots of people relapse.  So I guess I can't really let up on reminding myself why I'm doing this.  Never let up on 'telling on my addict'.

Love, Mrs D xxx

======

31 October 2011 - "Life is different"


So life is different without alcohol in it.  Not surprising given the amount of hours I devoted to wine (planning, acquiring, drinking, recovering) that are now wine-less hours.  But aside from the expected and happy results of living sober - less guilt, fewer headaches and sick guts, more money in the bank - there are other results that I hadn't expected.

So what are they?  I've been spending the last few days trying to put my finger on what is different and how it is that I feel different.  Well, there's one answer right there.  I'm definitely more introspective, looking inside my mind more to analyse how I'm feeling.  I've never been a huge naval gazer, but I am more so now.  As I said to my sister-in-law the other night, you feel more when you're not drinking.

Clearer?  I've heard other people say they feel so much clearer without alcohol and I think I understand what that means. But I'd also describe it as flat at times.  Or empty.  Just a wide open life without any mind bending.  All that time I've spent with my brain altered by alcohol, now it's just a big wide open brain that isn't inebriated.  Sometimes that's a good thing.  Other times not so good.  Last few days I've been tired and grouchy and feeling a bit low.  A week or so ago I was feeling awesome and talking about pink clouds.  So more highs and lows.  Yeah.  More highs and lows.

I just asked Mr D what is different about me now I"m not drinking and he said "dunno" so it can't be that much different on the outside.  Just inside my head it is.

There's more to ponder here...

Love, Mrs D xxx

======

2 November 2011 - "I need advice"


I love reading everyone else's sober blogs, all the little details about their lives, the minutiae really helps me when I'm in those small moments to feel not so alone in this new way of living.

Someone walking the isles at the supermarket confronted by the bottles of booze, someone's husband having friends over and craving a drink (but winning and not having one!), someone else busy taking photos at a birthday party to occupy themselves and not drink, someone else out a a big table at dinner having a diet coke and sitting next to a sober driver having a juice of some description.

I've got the busiest most social freaking two weeks coming up.  A massive party in my honour, 4 old girlfriends coming to stay for the weekend (haven't told them about my new lifestyle choice yet), step-brothers wedding.   Honestly you name it, it's about to happen.  I'm not worried about being tempted to drink, I am so happy with what I'm doing.  But not being able to use alcohol as a stress release, and having all your feelings so raw all the time, makes it harder work than normal.

I'd love any suggestions for great blogs anyone reads that I might not have heard about.  I don't think I'm that great at looking around for them (just try and look at other people's blog lists). And also tips for yummy non-alcoholic drinks.  Not just for these upcoming events, for day-to-day life.  I was trying energy drinks but they're pretty shitty and high in sodium.  I had an iced coffee this morning that was nice!  And I do like my lime and sodas.  With ice cubes.  Ice cubes make all the difference don't they.

Love, Mrs D xxx

======

4 November 2011 - "Emotional overload"


I am so freaking emotional it is unbelievable and it is really uncomfortable for me.  Jesus the drama.  Drama! And all of my own making!  I don't want to be too full-on about this but you need to understand that I have been running a pretty drama-free life for myself for many years.  I avoided conflict, didn't cry that often, had a good relationship with myself and loving relationships with others that I worked really hard on keeping smooth.  Mr D and I communicate really well, openly and honestly and lovingly, and very rarely fight.  I try very hard to be a good daughter, sister, friend, mother etc.

The only problem was just a little drinking issue.  I drank lots and lots of wine.  And it was running away with me, I was heading in a terrible direction, into a serious drinking problem that would be nothing but disastrous for all around me.   So, Mrs D, good strong person that you are with a very well-run life.  How about you give up the sauce now you're 40 and steer your life in a different direction?

Done! I said.  Made the big step.  Knew that it would be physically difficult, changing habits and all the rest of it.  But I had absolutely no idea how hard it was going to be emotionally.  I thought the drinking was just a habit that had gone too far, a physical addiciton that was starting affecting me negatively because it was too heavy.

But jeepers.  I am a different woman.  I seriously am.  I cry all the time.  My-self image has been rocked to it's core.  I feel shaky.  Before giving up the sauce I thought I was fine, but lately I've been feeling like a boring loser, stuck at home with a wobbly tummy and no value.

And worse, I've been so focused on myself I neglected a friend and upset her.  Once I discovered what I'd done I raced round to her house mortified and apologised for what I'd done Drama drama.  I hate that kind of bloody drama.

And I've been exploding on Mr D, even stormed out of the bedroom the other night and attempted to sleep on the sofa!  Bloody hell, who is this woman!  This. is. not. like. me. 

This is all very unexpected and unwelcome I must say.

Now I must away to a wedding and then to host four girlfriends for the weekend.  Sigh.  Cheer up Mrs D for fucks sake!

xxxx

======





31 comments:

  1. I am going to read each of the months as I am going through them. Thank you for organizing them this way. It's a great help!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I just recently quit drinking, day 38 for me, and I am reading your journal month by month. My poison was red wine -- a bottle every night for nearly 15 years. I have tried and tried to stop, hating the night sweats, dry mouth, horrible insomnia, passing out every night, the guilt, the paranoia, the expense, the weight gain, broken facial capillaries, and on and on. (So many benefits from drinking, aren't there?) I was going reluctantly to an AA meeting tonight, but once I came across your blog, I started reading and wanted to continue reading. You're insightful and often funny.

    Thank you for chronicling your journey to sobriety.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Today is Day #10 for me. Reading the account of your month #2 is incredibly helpful! I can related to every single thing you chronicle here- and to learn that someone else has had the same obsessions and experiences I am going through, and has successfully made it to the other side (i.e., that sober place) gives me hope. Thank you for being open and honest!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you _ I love your style of writing but more than that I love your honesty. Thank you for sharing

      Delete
  4. I just discovered your blog and I love it. I'm reading through it like a book and I can relate to so much of what you say. I'm only on day 4 and so my alcohol addiction has been replaced by reading about sobriety x

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks for doing this. Heard the podcast with the other sober women bloggers and came hear to read your posts. Thanks for being so active and honest for the sober community. I'm now in my third month of being AF. I appreciate so much learning from the women willing to share. Good luck with the book release.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Really good blog! Happy I found it. I am 11 months sober and am finding this so helpful

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am reading your blog like a book and it,s fantastic and so helpful.. I,m on day 4 sober and have tried AA and different support groups for years but I think you can help me so much more.. thank you so much. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, AA has rather hi jacked the whole alcohol rehab industry nevertheless for some of us it is an excellent starting point. Mrs D for me is wonderful for those who haven't yet lost everything but can visualise it clearly happening if they don't stop. The true descent begins where she started. I did at least 14 bottles of wine a week and worked my way through Aus$500,000 in the process and am now on benefits. Prior to that I was a global high powered exec on a 6 figure salary. My point to all is totally stop whilst the going is still reasonably good and the exit is visible. Mrs D is right :)

      Delete
  8. Thank you so much. A new recruit after your seeing you on Sunday last night.
    I can sooo relate to what you say Just did the bottles a week exercise and would easily notch up a bottle a night if not more.Have tried all the rules - AFDs and no wine on work nights, buying 2 bottles to last me the week.
    I have been a week without booze this week because I have been sick. I had one glass of wine last night and it took a massive battle in my head to put the glass away and have a glass of ginger beer. Thank you for making me realise that I have to stop not just cut down !!
    Thank you for making it all sooo real
    So in the spirit of honesty today is Day 1

    ReplyDelete
  9. Love your work Mrs D!
    I'm fighting the same battle, only unlike you i'm just don't seem to be winning.
    Life feels like a constant struggle. My nemesis comes in a 750ml bottle and more often than not it ambusbes me on my daily visit to the supermarke to source supplies for the whanau.
    Dam it, how does it manage to wash away all my resolve with a few sweet nothings in my ear?
    Its a love hate relationship. A romance that's never lived up to the fantasy. Booze is my frienemy.
    It promises me the best time, and delivers the worst. Its power to seduce amazes me.
    I'm not going to let it beat me though. I am strong, and I'm
    determined to be free. Thank you for being brave and for sharing that with the world :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I so understand the love/hate relationship. It has been the same for me. You put it so well. I am now at week 6 of life without alcohol, and I really do feel free of that seduction. As you say, it doesn't promise what it delivers, I think I have got my head around a future without my bad friend. Hope you are on track now.

      Delete
  10. I am 5 weeks sober and am feeling just like you on your last post.. so fed up and emotional, wish this feeling would hurry up and fade. I,m so moody to live with and so snappy with my lovely little family. just wish I could speed up a few months and not even think about having a bloody wine. I actually hate the stuff because of the way it rules my brain. drank 2 bottles at night then if not pissed enough had a large vodka to blast me into oblivion. I go to work all week and look after my family you would think there was nothing wrong with me but have been struggling with alcohol for over 10 years.. more than that if you count teenage years (long time ago). So well done to you and all the lovely sober people on here, we Will keep strong and SOBER..

    Love Lucy. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Lucy, Thank u for sharing. I feel the same way, love my wine and vodka, miss it and I am cranky as hell. Im on day 4, I hope its gets better. mornings are better, keep strong

      Delete
  11. I am on day 8 would love to be 8 years annoyed im constantly thinking about wine thought I'd stop for the week after watching your programme never really admitting I have a problem until every night a struggle especially last night havnt spoken with hubby but have noticed he not drinking in the evenings now either. Well done to you Ill keep reading your blogs. I will get through this.







    ReplyDelete
  12. Thank you Mrs D. I love how honest, real and funny you are. I love how you swear in your blog and don't sensor anything! I am on Day 7 now. On Day 5 I gave in and poured a glass of red, sniffed it as I do for the delicious smell of the wine - which was lovely and took a sip. It felt like home, and so natural and if I'm honest was delicious and tasted like poison at the same time. I had two more sips feeling very guilty and let down with myself and the voice in my head as usual was telling me I could limit my drinking to two glasses a night and keep on drinking, forever! Like every other normal person! I know this isn't true as I've tried this for years. Dysfunctional drinking for 23 years actually. 23 years of drama really I guess, hangovers, self induced sickness, mood swings and depression. Hubby came home and I told him I'd just poured a wine, he was disappointed which was a voice for how I felt about pouring it and I tipped it out. Very relieved when I did as I didn't really want to drink it! I then made a nice cup of tea and carried on cooking dinner. I wanted to keep counting my sober days without that little blip which I told myself that the amount of wine would be no more than eating lamb shanks with a little red wine in the ingredients, but I know that's not true. So I'm changing my sober day count to be true - Day 2!! Bummer, so annoyed with myself! Oh well, start again. Off to start a nice sober day. I love the version - of my sparkly self - as I am definately NOT sparkly when drunk, even if I think I am x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good on you for being strong about it and reining yourself in rather than falling apart or making a big deal out of it. I'm only on month 2 of sobriety and haven't slipped up (yet), but I'm always worried that if I do, I'll fall apart -- not so much by virtue of the pull of alcohol but because I'll feel like I've 'failed' and spiral into some sort of chaotic reaction. I'm so glad I read your comment, as if I ever do slip up, I'll remember to take a leaf out of your book and be honest with myself but stay strong and not let myself think it's the end of the world. :)

      Delete
    2. God well done you!!!
      Just did the math. 23 years drinking here too......

      Delete
    3. God well done you!!!
      Just did the math. 23 years drinking here too......

      Delete
  13. Really great blog! My clients are encouraged to write and read blogs like this. Its such a great benefit for people. Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  14. Really enjoy this. Im on 60 days now and still going strong. Encouraging writing!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm currently reading your compilation of posts from your 2nd month of sobriety, as I'm just at the end of my 2nd month too, and feeling my share of ups and downs. I love your idea of thinking forward and visualizing how great sobriety will be in the future, not only in general terms but in terms of specific events, even bits of conversation... it makes it much more 'persuasive' and motivating. Thanks for sharing this tip; I've already started using it, and it's very uplifting. Just recently, when I was still drinking, I had a major professional milestone and I was completely unable to appreciate it like I should have, in fact I turned up late for it, and all I could think about was whether I'd need to be sick and if so, how I'd manage to slip out without being rude. I'm so mad at myself for that, and your 'visualization' idea really helps in that I look forward to the next opportunity I'll have to do a 'retake' of that special event, and I visualize in my mind how good it'll be, how proud I'll feel et cetera, and all because I won't be ground down by a stupid hangover!!
    B.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thanks for sharing! I am approaching my 11th month and am finding your blog helpful! I do remember the pink cloud feeling - just didn't know it had a name.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hi Mrs D. I'm one day in after a failed 4 day stretch of not-drinking. So it is raw, new and today seemingly hopeless for me. Your blog has given me so much comfort and hope, thank you thank you thank you for making me feel not-a-freak.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thank you Mrs. D for your beautiful honesty. I have just begun this journey myself (today is day 40). While it stinks to have this toxic relationship with alcohol, it's so great to be able to read about someone else's journey and identify - yes, that is me. I too just started a blog chronicaling me experience (www.mary2point0.com) and look forward to checking out some of the links you provided. I'm on month 2 and look forward to the rest.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thanks again, Mrs D - it all rings true. I'm on day 46 - two and a half months. I'm riding the pink cloud this time too, but man is it exhausting. Why is that? I related to how you wrote about your brain feeling like an open field. I want this to be my life now, too. I love your visualizations of future casual sober self. I do that, too. Thanks for keeping this out there for us to follow. Cheers to all of us with lime and soda.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thank you for sharing this.

    I'm 32 days sober.

    The blogs & your book are like a life line to hang on to, to know that it IS possible, it can be done long term.

    Am so scared of failing; am committed just not sure I fully trust myself yet.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I see a lot of myself in this blog. Funny how much I can relate to some of the dysfunctional behaviors, like constantly sneaking peeks at how much wine is being drunk and how much is left for me, or all the rationalizing in my head about how my drinking isn't SO bad because I've never driven drunk or lost a job or a friend over it.

    One of my crowning moments was driving home from a festival one morning and puking into my lap while going 75 mph down the highway. So not drunk driving, per se, but driving while hung over and sick. Not very safe. Or dignified!

    Thanks for sharing. I'll keep reading. Oh, and soda with lime (and ice) is now my new drink, so thanks for that as well.

    ReplyDelete
  22. You crack me up woman! It reminds me of my first thought when attending my first "Meeting" which was "WOW; a room full of alcoholics; does that mean we can all go out for a drink afterwards?!!". My point is that reading your blog reveals once again that us ethanol addicts are different:) I was very surprised to read a few days ago that the most likely and high risk candidates for alcohol addiction are in fact successful, professional female university graduates - I think they should add erudite, creative, intelligent, attractive, empathetic, insightful and witty to that for starters and your blog should be used in evidence. I particularly succumbed to the line referencing your "delicate sober throat" - hysterical! Thank you!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I really love reading your blog but funny enough at the same time occassionally it makes my mouth to water for a glass of wine ;o)

    ReplyDelete
  24. I love this blog so much! You humor and insight are amazing. This makes me feel less alone! Thank you!

    ReplyDelete